Recently I’ve been reflecting on the various marriages I’ve had the privilege of learning from in the past 10 years. There are a few things I’d like to share with you, because they’re not just things I’ve brought into my marriage, but into every community I’ve been a part of as well. True connection and empathy for each other is one of the ways Christ reveals Himself through us, in marriage and in community.
1) ‘It’s never just YOUR problem’
‘In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus…’ (Philippians 2:5)
Just as Christ did not consider humanity’s sin just a ‘human problem’, we are not to look at the tragedies and dysfunctions of our partner or fellow brother and sisters as just a ‘them’ issue. In fact, Christ lowered himself (Philippians 2) into humanity’s problems, not to condemn us, but to carry us towards salvation.
When we see other’s issues, there is a human propensity to sympathise, that is to simply feel bad for the other person. Empathy however, is our ability to walk alongside the other person, even at our own cost. Those sorts of acts build trust and authenticity. Let’s learn to sit with the other person, and recognise that their problem is our problem as well.
2) ‘Love isn’t about self promotion’
‘If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal…’ (1 Cor 13:1)
I am inspired by spouses who speak the world of each other. Not just lip service, but they actively encourage the other, even knowing the failures and dysfunctions the husband/wife is carrying. The reason that inspires me is not because of simply the positivity, but the desire to lift up the other person.
In 1 Corinthians 13, we see those who don’t know love as self-promoters, only relishing in events which benefit themselves. But love isn’t interested in self-promotion, but in the promotion of the beloved. Just as Christ is interested in the lifting of the saints into eternal holiness, we ought to be interested in lifting those around us in stature and potential. Think of what a community like that could become.
3) Love reveals God’s presence and purpose
‘…they may be brought to complete unity. Then the world will know that you have sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me.’
There are many ways to try and measure God’s presence in a family or community. Some of us look at achievements or physical well-being. Others may talk about specific behaviors or particular disciplines. The marriages that stick out and encourage Xin Yu and I, are the ones where the couples may disagree, be discouraged or even have serious conflict. But underneath the issue is the deep desire to find unity, no matter the cost. That cost may be having their egos hurt, letting go of slights and hurts or even a long night of discussion so they don’t go to be with resentment for one another.
Communities inevitably will fact conflict, sometimes small, sometimes major. But authentic communities that last and grow over generations, are the ones that have imbedded in their ethos, a DESIRE to reveal Christ through unity.
Let’s be reminded this Sunday, as we are blessed to be able to see each other again, to keep building a community that is rooted in Christ.
最近，我一直在回顧過去 10 年來，我有機會從不同的婚姻中學習所得。我想和你們分享幾件事，因為它們不僅影響我的婚姻，也影響我所參與過每一個社群。彼此間的真正聯繫和同理心，是基督藉著我們的婚姻和社群顯示祂自己的方式之一。
1）“這永遠不僅僅是你的問題”
“你們當以基督耶穌的心為心……”（腓立比書2:5）
正如基督不將世人的罪看成只是一個“人類的問題”一樣，我們也不要將我們的伴侶或弟兄姐妹的悲劇和失敗視為“他們”的問題。事實上，基督將自己（腓立比書2）降卑到眾人的問題中，不是要定我們的罪，而是要帶領我們走向救恩。
當我們看到別人的問題時，一般會傾向於同情他們，那就只是為別人感到難過。然而，同理心是我們與他們同行的能力，即使我們要付出代價。這些行為可以建立信任和真實性。讓我們學會與他人站在一起，並認識他們的問題也同是我們的問題。
2）“愛不是自我推銷”
“我若能說萬人的方言、並天使的話語、卻沒有愛、我就成了鳴的鑼、響的鈸一般……”（1Cor13:1）
當人們表達極度欣賞他們配偶時，我便受到啟發和激勵。他們所說的不僅僅是恭維的話，就算清楚配偶的失敗和過錯，卻是切實地積極鼓勵對方。對我成為激勵不僅僅是因為其積極性，而是那種希望鼓勵另一個人的意願。
在哥林多前書13章，我們看到那些不懂得真愛、自吹自擂的人，他們只對自己有利的事感興趣。但愛是不求自己的益處，而是增進所愛之人。正如基督願意聖徒增進、漸漸進到永恆的聖潔裡一樣，我們也應該令周圍的人的身量和潛力增進。試想這樣的社群會變得多美好。
3) 愛彰顯神的同在和旨意
‘……使他們完完全全的合而為一。叫世人知道你差了我來、也知道你愛他們如同愛我一樣。
有很多方法可以嘗試衡量神在一個家庭或社群中的存在性。我們當中的一些人會看重成就或健康；其他人可能會看一些行為或操練。那些能特別鼓勵我和善瑜的婚姻，是夫妻雙方可能意見不一、氣餒甚至發生嚴重衝突，但在這些問題的背後，他們卻有著不惜任何代價去尋求一體性的強烈願望。這種代價可能是讓他們的自尊心受損，放下輕視和傷害，甚至一整夜的交談，不讓大家對彼此產生怨恨。
社群裏發生或大或小的衝突是難免的。但是真實的群體能夠世世代代持續成長的，正是那些扎根於藉著合一來彰顯基督的。
在這個星期日當我們感恩能夠再次實體相見時，讓我們再一次謹記要繼續建立一個植根於基督的社群。
